Today is my 13th day of sobriety. I made it through my first party last night - lots of good friends - and lots of good wine. I really wasn't tempted - much. I was surprised how easy it was - and also how interesting it was to watch others drink (and drink too much).
Every day I feel a little better, with strong doses of grumpiness here and there. Today I noticed that the puffy bags under my eyes are gone! They've been an ever present feature for a few years now, despite the amount of sleep I get, or what I eat. It's all about the booze.
What is working for me right now is to read sobriety blogs, write and talk to my husband. I have gone to 2 AA meetings so far, and will continue to go - but it is only one part of my process.
I am thankful to all of the resources out there - I couldn't imagine doing this without them! Here's to Day 13!
Soberquet Mama
Saturday, November 16, 2013
Monday, November 11, 2013
I am stronger than I drink.
I told my husband last night that I am an alcoholic. Whew. That was scary. I said it to myself yesterday - for the first time - and out loud. I chose to go to my favorite spot in the world for a 24 hour getaway, to give myself some space in this new sobriety - and to address and come to terms with what I am doing.
Am I an alcoholic - or simply (?!) someone who struggles with limits, not yet 'addicted,' but showing signs of addiction?
Can I get a handle on this, and then, someday drink moderately again?
These were the questions I grappled with on The Short Weekend. I was scared to go - would I open up the booze cabinet? Would I stop for a six-pack at the camp store - and drink a beer on the last 15 minutes of the drive - as I have done countless times?
Being alone out there gave me the space and time to come to terms with what must seem obvious to anyone with any experience - of course I am an alcoholic. I know now that I cannot ever have another sip of wine or beer or any alcohol. Why would I think this is any different than smoking? I stopped smoking for 12 years, and then STUPIDLY thought I could just have one once in a while with my new mom-friends who smoked (trying to fit in - exactly what landed me in this spot as a 15 year-old).
It took me several years to finally quit again - but now I know that I can't touch a cigarette, as I am addicted. It was harder to say that with drinking, because of the social stigma. However, once I got it, I GOT it. No more, I'm done. I told my husband that if I ever have another drink - it means relapse - and that I need to start the journey over again. I've read that 90% of us experience relapse. That frightens me, and I hope to find the strength to stay sober.
Day 9 and counting......
Am I an alcoholic - or simply (?!) someone who struggles with limits, not yet 'addicted,' but showing signs of addiction?
Can I get a handle on this, and then, someday drink moderately again?
These were the questions I grappled with on The Short Weekend. I was scared to go - would I open up the booze cabinet? Would I stop for a six-pack at the camp store - and drink a beer on the last 15 minutes of the drive - as I have done countless times?
Being alone out there gave me the space and time to come to terms with what must seem obvious to anyone with any experience - of course I am an alcoholic. I know now that I cannot ever have another sip of wine or beer or any alcohol. Why would I think this is any different than smoking? I stopped smoking for 12 years, and then STUPIDLY thought I could just have one once in a while with my new mom-friends who smoked (trying to fit in - exactly what landed me in this spot as a 15 year-old).
It took me several years to finally quit again - but now I know that I can't touch a cigarette, as I am addicted. It was harder to say that with drinking, because of the social stigma. However, once I got it, I GOT it. No more, I'm done. I told my husband that if I ever have another drink - it means relapse - and that I need to start the journey over again. I've read that 90% of us experience relapse. That frightens me, and I hope to find the strength to stay sober.
Day 9 and counting......
Friday, November 8, 2013
Day 6 - sinking in.....
Ok, so here I am on Day 6, and I keep having these awful flashes of "time for wine." Starting @ 5pm, I start getting restless - my body knows that it is time to open my bottle of red. It's also time for a cigarette. I quit smoking 10 months ago - but my cravings are back - I think it is a cruel twist of nature to make my other beast re-appear while I am trying to throw my current one off my back.
This last year has been so hard, and I am wondering if I am setting myself up by giving up drinking now. I just don't want to do it anymore. I don't want to hope my kids don't notice, and I don't want to have to worry about whether I running out of red. It's time.
I am going away by myself for the weekend for a "silent meditation" so that I can really think all of this stuff through -- no bottles will be involved. I plan on writing a lot - there is a lot inside of me - and I am not feeling very articulate yet.
I am planning a ceremonial bonfire - and I am going to write down my secrets, my shame and my fears and then send them up in smoke. I'll watch the flames and the cinders and hopefully, I will see a future free of my old ghosts.
This last year has been so hard, and I am wondering if I am setting myself up by giving up drinking now. I just don't want to do it anymore. I don't want to hope my kids don't notice, and I don't want to have to worry about whether I running out of red. It's time.
I am going away by myself for the weekend for a "silent meditation" so that I can really think all of this stuff through -- no bottles will be involved. I plan on writing a lot - there is a lot inside of me - and I am not feeling very articulate yet.
I am planning a ceremonial bonfire - and I am going to write down my secrets, my shame and my fears and then send them up in smoke. I'll watch the flames and the cinders and hopefully, I will see a future free of my old ghosts.
Wednesday, November 6, 2013
Sober, Sobering
So, it's been rolling around in my mind for a while....niggling, scratching, tickling..... but I haven't wanted to do anything about it. I like to drink. Surely, I can cut back, right?
It hit me on Sunday, hard. I wasn't looking for it. In fact, I was feeling a little smug because I could actually remember all of the party on Saturday night. Couldn't be that bad, right? I can dial it back when I need to...
Then I saw the review of Ann Dowsett Johnston's book "Drink: The Intimate Relationship Between Women and Alcohol," and the jig was up. Here as another woman, talking about "topping off" before a party, or wondering if anyone would notice if she refilled her glass first, or if she took the most. I saw myself in that description. The review went on to say that drinking more than three alcoholic beverages three times in a month constituted "binge drinking."
Whoa, I thought. Three drinks on three occasions in a month? How about in one week - with more on the weekends? I easily outdid that. I've always been an overachiever.
So I stopped. Just for that day. I didn't open the obligatory bottle of wine with dinner. Instead, I bought the book. Did you know that women who binge drink are four times more likely to have coronary disease - and that their risk of colorectal cancer is highly elevated? If you don't destroy your liver, or wrap your car around a tree - you have that to look forward to.
So here I am - Day Three - reading blogs, writing things down, trying to wrap my head around my decision to stop drinking. All I know is that it feels right. And that niggling, scratching, tickling has stopped.
Wish me luck.
So far, I have found inspiration on these two blogs:
http://tiredofthinkingaboutdrinking.wordpress.com
http://byebyebeer.wordpress.com
I'd love some more suggestions!
It hit me on Sunday, hard. I wasn't looking for it. In fact, I was feeling a little smug because I could actually remember all of the party on Saturday night. Couldn't be that bad, right? I can dial it back when I need to...
Then I saw the review of Ann Dowsett Johnston's book "Drink: The Intimate Relationship Between Women and Alcohol," and the jig was up. Here as another woman, talking about "topping off" before a party, or wondering if anyone would notice if she refilled her glass first, or if she took the most. I saw myself in that description. The review went on to say that drinking more than three alcoholic beverages three times in a month constituted "binge drinking."
Whoa, I thought. Three drinks on three occasions in a month? How about in one week - with more on the weekends? I easily outdid that. I've always been an overachiever.
So I stopped. Just for that day. I didn't open the obligatory bottle of wine with dinner. Instead, I bought the book. Did you know that women who binge drink are four times more likely to have coronary disease - and that their risk of colorectal cancer is highly elevated? If you don't destroy your liver, or wrap your car around a tree - you have that to look forward to.
So here I am - Day Three - reading blogs, writing things down, trying to wrap my head around my decision to stop drinking. All I know is that it feels right. And that niggling, scratching, tickling has stopped.
Wish me luck.
So far, I have found inspiration on these two blogs:
http://tiredofthinkingaboutdrinking.wordpress.com
http://byebyebeer.wordpress.com
I'd love some more suggestions!
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