Lucky 13?

Today is my 13th day of sobriety.  I made it through my first party last night - lots of good friends - and lots of good wine.  I really wasn't tempted - much.  I was surprised how easy it was - and also how interesting it was to watch others drink (and drink too much).

Every day I feel a little better, with strong doses of grumpiness here and there.  Today I noticed that the puffy bags under my eyes are gone! They've been an ever present feature for a few years now, despite the amount of sleep  I get, or what I eat.  It's all about the booze.

What is working for me right now is to read sobriety blogs, write and talk to my husband.  I have gone to 2 AA meetings so far, and will continue to go - but it is only one part of my process.

I am thankful to all of the resources out there - I couldn't imagine doing this without them!  Here's to Day 13!

I am stronger than I drink.

I told my husband last night that I am an alcoholic. Whew.  That was scary.  I said it to myself yesterday - for the first time - and out loud. I chose to go to my favorite spot in the world for a 24 hour getaway, to give myself some space in this new sobriety - and to address and come to terms with what I am doing.

Am I an alcoholic - or simply (?!) someone who struggles with limits, not yet 'addicted,' but showing signs of addiction?

Can I get a handle on this, and then, someday drink moderately again?

These were the questions I grappled with on The Short Weekend.  I was scared to go - would I open up the booze cabinet?  Would I stop for a six-pack at the camp store - and drink a beer on the last 15 minutes of the drive - as I have done countless times?

Being alone out there gave me the space and time to come to terms with what must seem obvious to anyone with any experience - of course I am an alcoholic.  I know now that I cannot ever have another sip of wine or beer or any alcohol.  Why would I think this is any different than smoking?  I stopped smoking for 12 years, and then STUPIDLY thought I could just have one once in a while with my new mom-friends who smoked (trying to fit in - exactly what landed me in this spot as a 15 year-old).

It took me several years to finally quit again - but now I know that I can't touch a cigarette, as I am addicted.  It was harder to say that with drinking, because of the social stigma.  However, once I got it, I GOT it.  No more, I'm done.  I told my husband that if I ever have another drink - it means relapse - and that I need to start the journey over again.  I've read that 90% of us experience relapse.  That frightens me, and I hope to find the strength to stay sober.

Day 9 and counting......

Day 6 - sinking in.....

Ok, so here I am on Day 6, and I keep having these awful flashes of "time for wine." Starting @ 5pm, I start getting restless - my body knows that it is time to open my bottle of red.  It's also time for a cigarette.  I quit smoking 10 months ago - but my cravings are back - I think it is a cruel twist of nature to make my other beast re-appear while I am trying to throw my current one off my back.

This last year has been so hard, and I am wondering if I am setting myself up by giving up drinking now.  I just don't want to do it anymore. I don't want to hope my kids don't notice, and I don't want to have to worry about whether I running out of red.  It's time.  

I am going away by myself for the weekend for a "silent meditation" so that I can really think all of this stuff through -- no bottles will be involved. I plan on writing a lot - there is a lot inside of me - and I am not feeling very articulate yet.

 I am planning a ceremonial bonfire - and I am going to write down my secrets, my shame and my fears and then send them up in smoke. I'll watch the flames and the cinders and hopefully, I will see a future free of my old ghosts.

Sober, Sobering

So, it's been rolling around in my mind for a while....niggling, scratching, tickling..... but I haven't wanted to do anything about it.  I like to drink.  Surely, I can cut back, right?

It hit me on Sunday, hard. I wasn't looking for it.  In fact, I was feeling a little smug because I could actually remember all of the party on Saturday night. Couldn't be that bad, right?  I can dial it back when I need to...

Then I saw the review of Ann Dowsett Johnston's book "Drink:  The Intimate Relationship Between Women and Alcohol," and the jig was up.  Here as another woman, talking about "topping off" before a party, or wondering if anyone would notice if she refilled her glass first, or if she took the most.  I saw myself in that description.  The review went on to say that drinking more than three alcoholic beverages three times in a month constituted "binge drinking."

Whoa, I thought.  Three drinks on three occasions in a month?  How about in one week - with more on the weekends? I easily outdid that.  I've always been an overachiever.

So I stopped. Just for that day.  I didn't open the obligatory bottle of wine with dinner. Instead, I bought the book.  Did you know that women who binge drink are four times more likely to have coronary disease - and that their risk of colorectal cancer is highly elevated?  If you don't destroy your liver, or wrap your car around a tree - you have that to look forward to.

So here I am - Day Three - reading blogs, writing things down, trying to wrap my head around my decision to stop drinking.  All I know is that it feels right.  And that niggling, scratching, tickling has stopped.
Wish me luck.

So far, I have found inspiration on these two blogs:
http://tiredofthinkingaboutdrinking.wordpress.com
http://byebyebeer.wordpress.com

I'd love some more suggestions!