I told my husband last night that I am an alcoholic. Whew. That was scary. I said it to myself yesterday - for the first time - and out loud. I chose to go to my favorite spot in the world for a 24 hour getaway, to give myself some space in this new sobriety - and to address and come to terms with what I am doing.
Am I an alcoholic - or simply (?!) someone who struggles with limits, not yet 'addicted,' but showing signs of addiction?
Can I get a handle on this, and then, someday drink moderately again?
These were the questions I grappled with on The Short Weekend. I was scared to go - would I open up the booze cabinet? Would I stop for a six-pack at the camp store - and drink a beer on the last 15 minutes of the drive - as I have done countless times?
Being alone out there gave me the space and time to come to terms with what must seem obvious to anyone with any experience - of course I am an alcoholic. I know now that I cannot ever have another sip of wine or beer or any alcohol. Why would I think this is any different than smoking? I stopped smoking for 12 years, and then STUPIDLY thought I could just have one once in a while with my new mom-friends who smoked (trying to fit in - exactly what landed me in this spot as a 15 year-old).
It took me several years to finally quit again - but now I know that I can't touch a cigarette, as I am addicted. It was harder to say that with drinking, because of the social stigma. However, once I got it, I GOT it. No more, I'm done. I told my husband that if I ever have another drink - it means relapse - and that I need to start the journey over again. I've read that 90% of us experience relapse. That frightens me, and I hope to find the strength to stay sober.
Day 9 and counting......
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